I waited for the magic to wash over me that would leave me completely hooked up to this new social networking site like an IV drip full of sulphuric acid. (Glucose is for pussies.) But nothing happened! This site was boring!! TWITTER?! EWWWWW!!

So like youtube it got shoved beneath my couch cushions for a year. I took naps. I stole a pen from a church and i painted a kitten on a cup. I was insanely busy. Don’t you dare judge me.

Anyways I think it was a Wednesday, i decided to plug my computer inside the internet. The internet opened her hot steamy legs and accepted my computer and before i knew it was hurtling through free XXX pics and Nigerian heiresses offering hundreds of thousands of nigerian dollars if we could just be roommates once they left their war-torn country. Eventually i landed on Twitter. The layout was the same but something was different.. Had I changed? 7 hours later i figured it out! People seemed more interesting! People were putting more effort into being hilarious!

Except..John Mayer. John you have not changed over the course of this year. Your tweets lack the soulful tinge of your mid-tempo alt-rock top 40 hits.

I’m going to keep following you because i believe there may be potential here. Don’t think about it too much. When twitter gets to be too exhausting just go outside, stretch out on a lounge chair in your lime-green one-piece string bikini and gain some fucking perspective.

I think im done here.
Jamez.